trusting in the "I don't know" moments

September 24 I sent the following message to a select group of people to announce a very unexpected blessing in the life of our family:

I always feel like we should truly expect God to do great things but then - when it's a great thing that we're not expecting - we're surprised at what He did. Does that make any sense? Not sure if it does or not to you but in the last few months, there hasn't been much that's made sense to me. As you know, Ryan and I have been in the adoption process for a very long time to no avail. For whatever reason, the Lord has not allowed anything to happen. There has been much I have learned along the way regarding adoption and much I have learned especially in the last few months....many things I wish I had known 8-9 months ago when we were approved. I feel like things would be different. At the same time, I fully trust that the Lord is in control and know His timing to be perfect. I do not understand how that will happen but the only real peace I have found in the process is by trusting Him and continuing to do so. So I will. That said, it should be no surprise to me when the Lord brings something very unexpected out of the woodwork....like a child. Only this one isn't through adoption. We're pregnant. Yes, you read that right. We're having a baby in March! We're not putting anything with the adoption process on hold at this point but we do have our limits and we are prepared to pause it for a time while we welcome this unexpected little blessing into our family. If you ask me anything about this, my answer will likely be "I don't know" because I just don't. I'm still very much reeling in the shock of how God is moving but fully trust that the Lord has His purpose for our family and, clearly, this is part of it. We are excited. The kids are excited. So far, everything is going just as it should be.

Please be praying for us as we walk through this and see how the Lord will continue to work in our family

So where am I now? How have the last several months been?

It's been a journey.

I'm pretty close to my due date and I'm still having to answer questions with "I don't know". Primarily, they are my own questions but they're still out there. I have often been asked by others "So are you still going to adopt?" YES. There was never a question about that. I apologize if you've been one of those people and I've looked at you weird or taken a few days to email you back. I have to be careful not to consider the question utterly ridiculous to be honest. I know there are many families that adopt (or at least start the adoption process) because they are unable to have children biologically. Our desire to adopt came long before we ever had children because we believe it was something God had in store for our family. A child is a child. It doesn't matter where they come from, what they look like, what language they speak, etc. No one asks to be born but the Lord creates them for His purpose. If their biological family is unable to help them see what that purpose is, then that's what He provides adoptive families for. For our family it is a calling from the Lord. (I mean, good grief, for my husband, it was a condition of marriage. If he wasn't in the same place on that subject, he may not have been Mr. Right for me.) But not everyone sees it that way and I'm trying to remember that.

We "paused" our adoption at the end of 2009 in order to get ready for the baby's arrival in March. We also said that we would keep that "pause" until 4-6 months after the baby was here. We still feel like that was the best decision for our family. To an outsider, it also makes sense and probably doesn't seem like a big deal. It's huge to me. In no way does the "pause" on the outside remove the depth of my longing on the inside. I know, I know - I'm about to have a baby. An incredible blessing from God that I would have never imagined He would give us. I honestly would not have thought to even ask Him for such a gift. I truly mean those statements regardless of how somber all of this sounds. I truly am so grateful for the opportunity to be given such a gift and I am VERY excited about what this new life will be.

BUT.

It does not replace the place in my heart that God reserved for others whom I have not met and know nothing about other than that they belong to my family. I do not take lightly the struggle and heartache of conception that many around me have had to endure. I wish that on no one and am grateful that the Lord has not asked me to walk that journey. However, part of me has wondered if this is what it feels like. Don't they walk around with an empty place inside them that desperately longs for a child? Don't they wonder and get mad at why the Lord would not allow them to have a child (or have more children)? Don't they get frustrated by the questions from others "when do you want..." "are you..." "do you still..." "doesn't so-and-so need a baby brother/sister"? They are surrounded by people who don't understand. I'm not saying that I do because I haven't been in that place - but I'm in my own where I've wondered if this is similar to what they are dealing with. And, honestly, even if they are unable to conceive and they turn to adoption, don't some of them still struggle with the longing inside to have a biological child? (Remember that I say all of this very carefully and am not trying to make light of a difficult situation many of my close friends have had to deal with. Trust me.) I'm sort of there. I am so incredibly grateful for my kids. Wow...they are truly amazing and they make me a better person for sure. I would not trade them for anything and if the Lord came along and said "Ok, you're done" I would be disappointed that I wasn't allowed more because who wouldn't want more of what I have!! But I am in that place still of longing. I don't feel like the Lord has shut the door and said "ok, no more" so that keeps the hope inside that I can't ignore and that I want to run toward. I feel like I'm constantly asking Him "What are you doing here, Lord?" and He's still not fully answering. For the most part, I'm ok with that. It's the Lord. Hello - I don't really deserve an answer! I'm still just trusting in the "I don't know" but I don't and it's not time to give up. My kids need me not to give up. And I can at least continue to give them that even in the middle of my "I don't know"s.