A Stab at Transparency

Hope is at my in-law's house for the 5 day school holiday. That makes for a VERY quiet house. I would say that easily 2/3 of the words in our house are said by one person. Can you guess who it might be? Let's see...it's not me or Ryan. It's so hard to have a conversation when the kids are around that when they aren't around, we almost don't know what to say to each other. It's not Jack, although he definitely has been contributing his fare share to the word count lately. I said to Ryan this past week, "You can definitely tell that Hope is his big sister." He's talking more and more (and louder and LOUDER) everyday. I guess he's making sure that we know he's still there. :) That only leaves one person.....Hope. Yes, she talks a lot!

Our 9 year anniversary was this past Wednesday. We went out last night to celebrate and ended up at the Summit. Cheesecake Factory was very yummy. I've never been there before. I would like to go again, but not on a Friday night. Even at 8pm it was very crowded and difficult to have a conversation with the person across the table b/c we could hardly hear each other over all the noise. I guess it was just like being at home.... :) Anyway, lunch one day....just cheesecake one day....that might be a better experience. It was nice to get away with my sweet man, though. We really don't get to do that often at all. Some of that is our own fault and some of it we can't help. Hopefully that will change soon but for now, we'll just enjoy staring and winking at each other from across any table the Lord gives us.

I'm so grateful for those of you who are able to be transparent. I have a difficult time doing that. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I think too much and when it all comes out, I want it to be the final product. The problem is, I analyze too much in the process. It goes along with the whole dreamer thing I did several days ago. I'm too practical for my own good sometimes.

Here's my stab at transparency....

About three weeks ago, we had what might have been the worst night ever in our house. I won't go into detail but we can sum it up in saying that I felt like the worst mother EVER that night and vowed that things were changing from here on out. It was the night that I saw the culmination of 5 years of influence on my daughter. It was hard to see it all coming out in her. I have tried so hard to love her and teach her good vs. bad all along hoping that she would forget the times that I failed miserably. Unfortunately, the sponge absorbed it all. You always hope that your child will get the best of you so that the worst of you won't live on. I have passed on some bad habits to my poor daughter and I have beat myself up over it so many times. No more. More than ever before, it's now time to break the cycle. In order to do that, I need a lot of prayer from you guys. I know the Lord will give me strength. I know He will provide discernment. I know He will allow me to test my patience. Here's what I need to know: How can I really be the best mother for her? I know that seems like a simple question but I mean it in it's deepest sense. It's not an arbitrary question. It's very real. I'm really asking the Lord, "Please, show me what that means." I've been so encouraged by Him the last couple of weeks because He has shown me so much. His Spirit has been there in the thick of the moment (well, it's been there the whole time but somehow, I'm sensing it more). I have watched myself react in ways that are not "normal" for me (that's a good thing). I know he's answering my prayer. Please, continue to pray for me in this. I want and need to know more. I'm telling you this because I need prayer and I need the accountability. Thanks.